Honoring All of Who I Am? cont...

Back to my self imposed boxes:


I'll share two internal boxes I kept myself in~

1. I severely lacked a sense of self-worthiness. I didn't feel like I deserved anything worth having. I considered myself to be a bad person. I was bad because I stole money from my grandma when I was a little girl, I had sex at an early age (unconsentual and consentual), I skipped school, failed classes, I had my daughter right after high school, and on the list goes.... There were so many parts of myself that I did not and sometimes could not look at. I sabotaged myself on every corner. But, like the steam in a tea kettle-the parts of me that I resist will continue to press up against the kettle top until it blows... And Iboy did I blow. My relationship with my partner blew up, I doubted myself as a mother, I became paranoid about leaving my child with people, my relationships at my job fell apart, it was a mess. Everything and everyone rejected me the way I rejected myself. Internally and externally I felt de-valued and unappreciated.... And while there are times I still feel this way, I have a lot more tools to support me in building myself up and aligning myself with the truth. With a great deal of prayer and help :) I learned to be present with what I am thinking and feeling about myself, forgive the judgment, reframe the event and perception of myself and others. Among other things, it takes a lot breathing, letting in light and love and a willingness to shift. To a greater degree than in the past, I am able to look at the parts of myself that I couldn't face before and have compassion for me......

2. I did not consider myself to be smart. If you left it to me to tell the story, was dumb because I compared myself to very intellectually bright people and I took evidence from the past duh-moments and ran with it...(you know like getting D's in h.s. algebra meant I was dumb-even though I received A's in undergrad Statistics??) I allowed this misperception of myself to run my life. I told myself I wasn't smart enough to finish college, I wasn't smart enough to own a business, I wasn't smart enough to associate with intellectuals, and the list goes on. As I reflect I see how I hurt myself in so many ways - emotionally, physically and spiritually. I am grateful though that I'd learned enough and was supported enough to acknowledge that I am smart and intelligent. My intelligence may look different than another's but I am brilliant none the less :)

So today I am willing to continue to acknowledge, honor and nurture my innate brilliance!

Am I Honoring All of Who I Am? cont....

As a young woman, learning to honoring the many aspects of myself became critical for me because I was still building my confidence and learning who I was as a woman, and an adult. I was also getting in touch with my soul, my personality, my likes, my strengths and weaknesses.

As a young mother, I uncovered that this was an even more important lesson for me because I needed to teach my children how to love and accept themselves.

During my exploration, I found myself being judged, rejected, approved and categorized by what other people, institutions and cultures believed was correct. Now the average person would say, "well, what other people think or say should not matter-be who you are", or some other cliche-ish saying. But, I had not grown to that point yet....

I also have to acknowledge that my safety net didn't help my situation any. I held onto plenty of guilt and shame, self-imposed cages and boxes; a need to live within other people's comfort zones and conform to other's ideals and standards in order to gain their acceptance, I found myself people pleasing...

Am I Honoring all of Who I Am?

Now this question will ring differently for everyone because we view our selves, our relevance and what's important about us through various lenses and filters. So, I can attempt to share my understanding and struggles as a woman and mother holding on to her essence and being.

This question has been a center of focus and contemplation for me for about 10 years now. Since the birth of my eldest son.

Around that time of my life I found myself being pushed to be one EXPRESSION of myself OR another.

Now, I know that we have the capacity to be almost anything and anyone. I also get that every thought, feeling or notion that flows through the Universe and takes temporary residence in our psyche is not for us to pursue.

However, I believe that there are aspects of us that call for our attention to be expressed, evolved, enjoyed, healed and loved. In our quiet space, we intuitively know our soul and we have an innate craving to honor it-no matter what it looks like. I've learned that this is a key to our freedom and happiness.

Your thoughts? Your experiences?