Honoring All of Who I Am? cont...

Back to my self imposed boxes:


I'll share two internal boxes I kept myself in~

1. I severely lacked a sense of self-worthiness. I didn't feel like I deserved anything worth having. I considered myself to be a bad person. I was bad because I stole money from my grandma when I was a little girl, I had sex at an early age (unconsentual and consentual), I skipped school, failed classes, I had my daughter right after high school, and on the list goes.... There were so many parts of myself that I did not and sometimes could not look at. I sabotaged myself on every corner. But, like the steam in a tea kettle-the parts of me that I resist will continue to press up against the kettle top until it blows... And Iboy did I blow. My relationship with my partner blew up, I doubted myself as a mother, I became paranoid about leaving my child with people, my relationships at my job fell apart, it was a mess. Everything and everyone rejected me the way I rejected myself. Internally and externally I felt de-valued and unappreciated.... And while there are times I still feel this way, I have a lot more tools to support me in building myself up and aligning myself with the truth. With a great deal of prayer and help :) I learned to be present with what I am thinking and feeling about myself, forgive the judgment, reframe the event and perception of myself and others. Among other things, it takes a lot breathing, letting in light and love and a willingness to shift. To a greater degree than in the past, I am able to look at the parts of myself that I couldn't face before and have compassion for me......

2. I did not consider myself to be smart. If you left it to me to tell the story, was dumb because I compared myself to very intellectually bright people and I took evidence from the past duh-moments and ran with it...(you know like getting D's in h.s. algebra meant I was dumb-even though I received A's in undergrad Statistics??) I allowed this misperception of myself to run my life. I told myself I wasn't smart enough to finish college, I wasn't smart enough to own a business, I wasn't smart enough to associate with intellectuals, and the list goes on. As I reflect I see how I hurt myself in so many ways - emotionally, physically and spiritually. I am grateful though that I'd learned enough and was supported enough to acknowledge that I am smart and intelligent. My intelligence may look different than another's but I am brilliant none the less :)

So today I am willing to continue to acknowledge, honor and nurture my innate brilliance!